My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
