I wish my penis had an off switch
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
