Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
