Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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