he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
