Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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