I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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