onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
