Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
