Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
