good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
