I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
sarcasm needs its own font
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
