I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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