if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
