Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
