When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
