I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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