i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
