I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
