I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
