GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
