no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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