I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
