I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize