so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
