my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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