I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
