You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
