and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize