She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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