I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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