i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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