I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
