I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
