Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
