remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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