just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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