I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
