Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize