There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
