oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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