He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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