At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
