life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
