ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
