dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
