I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
