I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
