You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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