Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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