Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
