i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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