tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
