Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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