yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
