dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
