I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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