I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
