can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
