i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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