I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it glows. i had to have it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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