I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
